The Origin of Brownies

You've always wanted to know the truth about Collis Baked Goods. Why is there so much weird shit in them? Are they trying to masquerade as healthy? Are they trying to one-up Homeplate's signature "Pizza-as-a-Salad" in the eternal ingredient war? It's probable. You know, wars are futile. As a genie, I know that we are all marching toward an ultimate synthesis, anyway. It will be called Chicken Monday as a Pizza Brownie and it will have been blessed by a Rabbi. But I digress. This whole time your mind has been wracked with doubt, troubled by questions like "Why are only 33.333333% of Collis Baked Goods actually...good? "Why do you eat them anyway, when their labels often blatantly tell you they contain root vegetables, soil, even the dreaded dates. Okay, you eat them because you're bored. And have a self-destructive desire to get fat, then get chlamydia, and die. Any Stall Street Journal could have told you that.

But this isn't about YOU. This is about Collis, motherfudgers.

So is there a method to the madness of Collis pastry? Obvi. And it consists in three essential truths.

1. Collis is owned by an evil Environmentalest who went to Dartmouth, thought he was the Greenest, moved to the West Coast, realized he was actually the Least Green, thought that was the Worst, felt the Dejectedest, and, in the Freudianist turn of events, decided to take it out on his alma mater where, btw, he did not graduate with the Highest. He oversees the production of all Baked Goods to make sure they each contain at a minimum, 68 grams of fiber, which humans cannot digest, and three types of poisonous berries.

2. The date industry has a monopoly on the Upper Valley. Dartmouth is not exempt from this rule. Don't be naive. I repeat, Dartmouth is part of the Upper Valley. And don't you ever forget it. There is a date tree in the basement of Collis, beneath which I sit, and catch the dates as they fall. I suck their sweet juices. But it would be selfish of me to enjoy these dates all by my lonesome. Plus, I'd get fat. So I put them in the Baked Goods! Ta-da!

3. FroYo is blue collar.