We all know there's alcohol in One Wheelock. It's in the basement. What else do people keep in their basements besides Zhenka and date trees? Well, be prepared to take everything you thought you knew about Collis, basements, life, and defenestration, and throw it out the window. Ready?
The apparently fully-stocked bar in One Wheelock is a hoax. Yes, that sparkling array of glass and distilled grain, so reminiscent of the Golden Age of Hollywood that one would almost expect Sinatra to appear and mix you a Fogcutter himself, is all a mirage. There is no alcohol in the bottles, as denoted by the sign written in blue highlighter that reads,"They are empty."
I know what you're thinking. I just took your thought out with a pensieve. And the little white goo ball said, "What?? There's no ALCOHOL in One Wheelock?! How am I supposed to pretend to underline things in the same room as the opposite sex? I'm drowning in my own awkwardness. I'm going to have to go back to my single in Quechee."
Yeah...that sucks.
I drank them, of course. Don't hurst me, bro! What the hell else am I supposed to do, besides squash dates with my sixth toe and pee in the eggwhite mix? But I can stop anytime I want. I just don't want to. What are the cameras doing here? I didn't sign up for this! I don't have a problem! Okay, fine. Yes. Yes, I'll go to treatment.
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