Collis Exit Survey: The Numbers Never Lie*

Every so often, a fresh-faced ingenue--read: n00b--comes along and tries to press the cider of my infinite knowledge. They wanna be me. I mean, I would too. But you can't sit with us.

So here's a lot of stuff that I already knew. I knew it first. And I knew it betterest. And you're the worst!

The Official Collis Trough Exit Survey:

conducted on Wednesday, February 2nd, probably by a '14 with a rolling backpack

When asked how they feel about dates in baked good 80% of poeple responded "fuck dates"

Only 2 people had ever used a tray at collis (an 11 didn't even know there were trays at collis). 70% of people judge the tray users.

That bitch in the green backpack sucks. Everyone agrees.

90% of people are afraid of beheading by salad trough cover. "Especially if some stupid 14 with a backpack is swinging that shit around"

The Collis Genie probably decides what is in the cooler for the day.

80% of people agree that the corn in the late night pasta special is because the pasta maker is definitely high. "Maybe he thinks it will pop if you heat it up"- 11 girl

1/2 of those surveyed had not stolen at mozz stick from collis but one 13 girl estimated she had lifted between 800 and 1000 and will continue to do so. "I snack on one or two while I'm deciding what I want and usually that is 4 more mozz sticks that I am not going to wait in a 30 person line to pay for"- 13 girl

*Unless those numbers are also men.