#Collisgrrlproblemz

9:50 a.m. Tazo or bust.

9:51 a.m. Whole milk is for poor people.

9:55 a.m. Compost> Recycling. Obviously, Trash Landfill is out of the question. How gauche.

9:57 a.m. I can't fit my longboard in my Longchamp.

11:53 a.m. I hate the Hop. "Red Hulk"? Really? I almost had an eating disorder last term. TRY to be a little more sensitive, DDS! #sobbing

5:04 p.m. Got up from my couch in One Wheelock for .5 seconds to get a jar of salsa from Bottomside (#normal) and suddenly there's a fucking Renaissance Fair going on in there. Is nothing sacred?!

8:17 p.m. What do guys look like? I haven't seen one in here since Dimensions. 2008.

9:30 p.m. Bottomside is out of cutter. They never have what I need.

11:46 p.m. It's so lonely in my extra-long twin bed without male autism to keep me company. Sigh...#smh.

The Collis Seven

Because every great institution should be desecrated in exactly seven locations.

1. In the salad trough.

You'll have to be ready to make a few enemies when the tofu chunks start flying and the Craisins inevitable get knocked over. But it's all about making an impression. They'll secretly respect you for it. Rush is coming up soon, after all.

2. On the skylight.

If you think you look fat splashed across a glass panel, naked as the day you were born, doing the nasty, viewed from below, then maybe you don't want your best friend to film this one. But it's all about positive self-image. And FACETIME!

...Asstime? Hmmm...

3. Commonground.

The disco ball isn't just there to pay homage to Jimmy Wright's Studio 54 days. It sets the mood.

4. In the Greenprint line before 10As.

This one's for the boldest lovers among us. Or the most annoying. I can't decide. I don't have time, I have to print my thesis. On Simplex. It's really important.

5. On the Info Desk.

You'd be surprised how many people, particularly the ones working behind the desk, will be unlikely to notice the miracle of your lovemaking. As long as you don't cry out that Greenprint is broken in the heat of the moment, you should go completely undisturbed. Just watch out for staples. And tacks. And that huge stapler that says it's for "25-50 pgs." Because I really have to staple my thesis, which is really long, and impressive, and needs to be stapled at any cost or else I'll never get a job and a hot wife and 2.5 genie pups and a lantern just outside of Boston.

6. In Fuel.

There comes a time in every young person's life when herm needs to do it in a sketchy nightclub in the Eastern Bloc while wearing JLo's green Versace dress from the 2000 Grammys (you know what I'm talking about). Fuel presents the perfect venue in which to perform this time-old rite of passage. Not only does Fuel offer an authentic Hungarian nightclub feel, but it is also surrounded by scary black windows--smoke screens that create an air of mystery. You can't see in, you can't see out. So the people eating al soggy pasta can't see you living out your darkest fantasy on the Fuel dance floor. You don't have to watch some vested Info Desk person troll for errant staples while you climax. But you know who can see you? I can. This is my house. And it isn't voyeurism when I do it.

7. In the COSO office.

Pat Moss's desk is good for two things--watching dollar bills coast off into the ether, and hanky panky.

Collis Exit Survey: The Numbers Never Lie*

Every so often, a fresh-faced ingenue--read: n00b--comes along and tries to press the cider of my infinite knowledge. They wanna be me. I mean, I would too. But you can't sit with us.

So here's a lot of stuff that I already knew. I knew it first. And I knew it betterest. And you're the worst!

The Official Collis Trough Exit Survey:

conducted on Wednesday, February 2nd, probably by a '14 with a rolling backpack

When asked how they feel about dates in baked good 80% of poeple responded "fuck dates"

Only 2 people had ever used a tray at collis (an 11 didn't even know there were trays at collis). 70% of people judge the tray users.

That bitch in the green backpack sucks. Everyone agrees.

90% of people are afraid of beheading by salad trough cover. "Especially if some stupid 14 with a backpack is swinging that shit around"

The Collis Genie probably decides what is in the cooler for the day.

80% of people agree that the corn in the late night pasta special is because the pasta maker is definitely high. "Maybe he thinks it will pop if you heat it up"- 11 girl

1/2 of those surveyed had not stolen at mozz stick from collis but one 13 girl estimated she had lifted between 800 and 1000 and will continue to do so. "I snack on one or two while I'm deciding what I want and usually that is 4 more mozz sticks that I am not going to wait in a 30 person line to pay for"- 13 girl

*Unless those numbers are also men.

Firewater

This news just flew across my carpet, and I feel pressed to share:

We all know there's alcohol in One Wheelock. It's in the basement. What else do people keep in their basements besides Zhenka and date trees? Well, be prepared to take everything you thought you knew about Collis, basements, life, and defenestration, and throw it out the window. Ready?

The apparently fully-stocked bar in One Wheelock is a hoax. Yes, that sparkling array of glass and distilled grain, so reminiscent of the Golden Age of Hollywood that one would almost expect Sinatra to appear and mix you a Fogcutter himself, is all a mirage. There is no alcohol in the bottles, as denoted by the sign written in blue highlighter that reads,"They are empty."

I know what you're thinking. I just took your thought out with a pensieve. And the little white goo ball said, "What?? There's no ALCOHOL in One Wheelock?! How am I supposed to pretend to underline things in the same room as the opposite sex? I'm drowning in my own awkwardness. I'm going to have to go back to my single in Quechee."

Yeah...that sucks.

I drank them, of course. Don't hurst me, bro! What the hell else am I supposed to do, besides squash dates with my sixth toe and pee in the eggwhite mix? But I can stop anytime I want. I just don't want to. What are the cameras doing here? I didn't sign up for this! I don't have a problem! Okay, fine. Yes. Yes, I'll go to treatment.

The Collis Code of Conduct

Every watering hole has its own ethos. With this comes a certain set of standards commonly observed by its patrons. Collis isn't like this. Collis has laws, and if you don't obey them, you will be stoned with rotten dates. So as Danielle Staub once said, "Pay attention. Puh-lease."

The Collis Code of Conduct is as follows.

1. No '14s.

Sorry, you're not ready yet. Next year, bb. Learn the Code and get wise.

2. No backpacks.

Pretty obvious. There is a maximum girth you can have in order to even fit inside the trough area of Collis, and if you're wearing a backpack you will undoubtedly exceed it. Same goes for fatties.

3. Salad shaking should be kept to an absolute minimum.

Okay, there is a fine line between shaking and throttling. If you really love your salad, be gentle with it. Your salad is a precious, very delicate...okay you get it. Here's the real talk. Ever heard of SSS? No? Well. You're ignorant. It stands for Shaken Salad Syndrome, and it's fatal. So think twice. And go easy on the Craisins. Sharing is caring.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's table.

Would you jack somebody's fleece during TDXmas? Would you steal an Odwalla from Novack because the fridge is in front of the counter? Would you steal a composite? Would you steal AD's dog? Well, we're all human. We take things occasionally. Insignificant things. But tables in Collis are sacred. Even if all that is sitting at a huge round table is a pair of free EDPA socks, that territory has been claimed. Might as well be drenched in urine. That table is NOT fair game, and you best be on your way.

5. No cutting in line for omelets, pasta, or stir-fry.

"Oh, is this the sandwich line?" Obviously not, nobody gets sandwiches. Nice try, asshat. Nobody wants to wait 25 minutes, risking getting scalding hot tea poured on them by idiot '14s wearing backpacks just so they can eat a real meal with protein, that isn't date-encrusted. But we all have to wait. And we have to wait a long time, thanks to the architectural sadists who designed this school. So don't cut anyone. However, the kind where you see your best friend from Anthro 1 and get in line "next" to them is legit. Life is all about who you know.

6. Elbowing is fine.

Survival of the fittest, yo.

7. Greenprint doesn't work.

This topic could potentially open up a whole nother can of worms vis-a-vis Info Desk People, but brevity is key and time is of the essence. I have my carpet-flying PE in like 10 mins and I need it to graduate. So. We all know that Greenprint is a notoriously fickle mistress, but the Collis Greenprint is particularly bad. If you even want to have a chance of printing your thesis, do it on Simplex. Because if you think you'll be printing on Duplex, you must be ridiculous.

8. Ask before you unplug someone's charger.

At this point in our lives, our extension cords have essentially become our umbilical cords. They connect us to our life source. So don't just rip it out of the wall like it doesn't matter. Ask first, then sever some poor upperclassman from the source that allows herm to troll DDS menus, Facebook, and...other...anonymous posting sites...that keep herm abreast of the important things that are happening in and beyond the 5 walls and sunroof of Collis.

9. Respect Sunja.

With the exception of Yama, which Sunja probably owns anyway, this dude is solely responsible for bringing sushi to Hanover. Praise his name. Treat Sunja like you should already be treating your salad. Except treat Sunja like a salad that could poison you to death with a special surprise blowfish roll.

1o. No vagrancy.

If you don't know why you're going into the trough zone, you shouldn't be in there at all. Trust me, you will knock over someone's tea. You can't just breeze in there like a will-o-wisp, or a tumbleweed. What does this look like? The liberal arts? Get out of my way, I have an X-HOUR!

11. The Code does not apply to Late Nite.

All bets are off. You're high. Don't care. Mozz sticks! College!!

Late Nite Overheardz

"Yo, I gotta make my own Pho?!"

-'11 Hanover High Student

The question remains...friend or Pho? You be the judge.

The Origin of Brownies

You've always wanted to know the truth about Collis Baked Goods. Why is there so much weird shit in them? Are they trying to masquerade as healthy? Are they trying to one-up Homeplate's signature "Pizza-as-a-Salad" in the eternal ingredient war? It's probable. You know, wars are futile. As a genie, I know that we are all marching toward an ultimate synthesis, anyway. It will be called Chicken Monday as a Pizza Brownie and it will have been blessed by a Rabbi. But I digress. This whole time your mind has been wracked with doubt, troubled by questions like "Why are only 33.333333% of Collis Baked Goods actually...good? "Why do you eat them anyway, when their labels often blatantly tell you they contain root vegetables, soil, even the dreaded dates. Okay, you eat them because you're bored. And have a self-destructive desire to get fat, then get chlamydia, and die. Any Stall Street Journal could have told you that.

But this isn't about YOU. This is about Collis, motherfudgers.

So is there a method to the madness of Collis pastry? Obvi. And it consists in three essential truths.

1. Collis is owned by an evil Environmentalest who went to Dartmouth, thought he was the Greenest, moved to the West Coast, realized he was actually the Least Green, thought that was the Worst, felt the Dejectedest, and, in the Freudianist turn of events, decided to take it out on his alma mater where, btw, he did not graduate with the Highest. He oversees the production of all Baked Goods to make sure they each contain at a minimum, 68 grams of fiber, which humans cannot digest, and three types of poisonous berries.

2. The date industry has a monopoly on the Upper Valley. Dartmouth is not exempt from this rule. Don't be naive. I repeat, Dartmouth is part of the Upper Valley. And don't you ever forget it. There is a date tree in the basement of Collis, beneath which I sit, and catch the dates as they fall. I suck their sweet juices. But it would be selfish of me to enjoy these dates all by my lonesome. Plus, I'd get fat. So I put them in the Baked Goods! Ta-da!

3. FroYo is blue collar.

Who am I?

Greetings, earthlings. It is I, the Collis Genie.

Some of you may be asking, "Who is the Collis Genie?" "From whither and whence does he hail?" "Is he even a guy?" "Am I sexist?" "Does the sexually indeterminant genie dream of hermself?" "Does heshe dream of other genies?" "Is there a Homeplate Genie?" "Why are there dates in everything at Collis?" "Are dates real?" "Is God?" "Is God a benevolent God?" "Does altruism exist?" "Why does everyone who works at Collis wear a vest?" "Am I supposed to be in an x-hour right now?" "Why is Collis bacon circular?" "Does it come from a secret cylindrical pygmy piggie colony?" "If the limit never approaches anything, does the limit, ontologically speaking, EXIST?!"

Well, grab a spork and get comfortable. I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Collis, and more. Stay tuned.