Monday, 31 January 2011

Firewater

This news just flew across my carpet, and I feel pressed to share:

We all know there's alcohol in One Wheelock. It's in the basement. What else do people keep in their basements besides Zhenka and date trees? Well, be prepared to take everything you thought you knew about Collis, basements, life, and defenestration, and throw it out the window. Ready?

The apparently fully-stocked bar in One Wheelock is a hoax. Yes, that sparkling array of glass and distilled grain, so reminiscent of the Golden Age of Hollywood that one would almost expect Sinatra to appear and mix you a Fogcutter himself, is all a mirage. There is no alcohol in the bottles, as denoted by the sign written in blue highlighter that reads,"They are empty."

I know what you're thinking. I just took your thought out with a pensieve. And the little white goo ball said, "What?? There's no ALCOHOL in One Wheelock?! How am I supposed to pretend to underline things in the same room as the opposite sex? I'm drowning in my own awkwardness. I'm going to have to go back to my single in Quechee."

Yeah...that sucks.

I drank them, of course. Don't hurst me, bro! What the hell else am I supposed to do, besides squash dates with my sixth toe and pee in the eggwhite mix? But I can stop anytime I want. I just don't want to. What are the cameras doing here? I didn't sign up for this! I don't have a problem! Okay, fine. Yes. Yes, I'll go to treatment.


Saturday, 29 January 2011

The Collis Code of Conduct

Every watering hole has its own ethos. With this comes a certain set of standards commonly observed by its patrons. Collis isn't like this. Collis has laws, and if you don't obey them, you will be stoned with rotten dates. So as Danielle Staub once said, "Pay attention. Puh-lease."

The Collis Code of Conduct is as follows.

1. No '14s.
Sorry, you're not ready yet. Next year, bb. Learn the Code and get wise.

2. No backpacks.
Pretty obvious. There is a maximum girth you can have in order to even fit inside the trough area of Collis, and if you're wearing a backpack you will undoubtedly exceed it. Same goes for fatties.

3. Salad shaking should be kept to an absolute minimum.
Okay, there is a fine line between shaking and throttling. If you really love your salad, be gentle with it. Your salad is a precious, very delicate...okay you get it. Here's the real talk. Ever heard of SSS? No? Well. You're ignorant. It stands for Shaken Salad Syndrome, and it's fatal. So think twice. And go easy on the Craisins. Sharing is caring.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's table.
Would you jack somebody's fleece during TDXmas? Would you steal an Odwalla from Novack because the fridge is in front of the counter? Would you steal a composite? Would you steal AD's dog? Well, we're all human. We take things occasionally. Insignificant things. But tables in Collis are sacred. Even if all that is sitting at a huge round table is a pair of free EDPA socks, that territory has been claimed. Might as well be drenched in urine. That table is NOT fair game, and you best be on your way.

5. No cutting in line for omelets, pasta, or stir-fry.
"Oh, is this the sandwich line?" Obviously not, nobody gets sandwiches. Nice try, asshat. Nobody wants to wait 25 minutes, risking getting scalding hot tea poured on them by idiot '14s wearing backpacks just so they can eat a real meal with protein, that isn't date-encrusted. But we all have to wait. And we have to wait a long time, thanks to the architectural sadists who designed this school. So don't cut anyone. However, the kind where you see your best friend from Anthro 1 and get in line "next" to them is legit. Life is all about who you know.

6. Elbowing is fine.
Survival of the fittest, yo.

7. Greenprint doesn't work.
This topic could potentially open up a whole nother can of worms vis-a-vis Info Desk People, but brevity is key and time is of the essence. I have my carpet-flying PE in like 10 mins and I need it to graduate. So. We all know that Greenprint is a notoriously fickle mistress, but the Collis Greenprint is particularly bad. If you even want to have a chance of printing your thesis, do it on Simplex. Because if you think you'll be printing on Duplex, you must be ridiculous.

8. Ask before you unplug someone's charger.
At this point in our lives, our extension cords have essentially become our umbilical cords. They connect us to our life source. So don't just rip it out of the wall like it doesn't matter. Ask first, then sever some poor upperclassman from the source that allows herm to troll DDS menus, Facebook, and...other...anonymous posting sites...that keep herm abreast of the important things that are happening in and beyond the 5 walls and sunroof of Collis.

9. Respect Sunja.
With the exception of Yama, which Sunja probably owns anyway, this dude is solely responsible for bringing sushi to Hanover. Praise his name. Treat Sunja like you should already be treating your salad. Except treat Sunja like a salad that could poison you to death with a special surprise blowfish roll.

1o. No vagrancy.
If you don't know why you're going into the trough zone, you shouldn't be in there at all. Trust me, you will knock over someone's tea. You can't just breeze in there like a will-o-wisp, or a tumbleweed. What does this look like? The liberal arts? Get out of my way, I have an X-HOUR!

11. The Code does not apply to Late Nite.
All bets are off. You're high. Don't care. Mozz sticks! College!!

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Late Nite Overheardz

"Yo, I gotta make my own Pho?!"
-'11 Hanover High Student

The question remains...friend or Pho? You be the judge.

The Origin of Brownies

You've always wanted to know the truth about Collis Baked Goods. Why is there so much weird shit in them? Are they trying to masquerade as healthy? Are they trying to one-up Homeplate's signature "Pizza-as-a-Salad" in the eternal ingredient war? It's probable. You know, wars are futile. As a genie, I know that we are all marching toward an ultimate synthesis, anyway. It will be called Chicken Monday as a Pizza Brownie and it will have been blessed by a Rabbi. But I digress. This whole time your mind has been wracked with doubt, troubled by questions like "Why are only 33.333333% of Collis Baked Goods actually...good? "Why do you eat them anyway, when their labels often blatantly tell you they contain root vegetables, soil, even the dreaded dates. Okay, you eat them because you're bored. And have a self-destructive desire to get fat, then get chlamydia, and die. Any Stall Street Journal could have told you that.

But this isn't about YOU. This is about Collis, motherfudgers.

So is there a method to the madness of Collis pastry? Obvi. And it consists in three essential truths.

1. Collis is owned by an evil Environmentalest who went to Dartmouth, thought he was the Greenest, moved to the West Coast, realized he was actually the Least Green, thought that was the Worst, felt the Dejectedest, and, in the Freudianist turn of events, decided to take it out on his alma mater where, btw, he did not graduate with the Highest. He oversees the production of all Baked Goods to make sure they each contain at a minimum, 68 grams of fiber, which humans cannot digest, and three types of poisonous berries.

2. The date industry has a monopoly on the Upper Valley. Dartmouth is not exempt from this rule. Don't be naive. I repeat, Dartmouth is part of the Upper Valley. And don't you ever forget it. There is a date tree in the basement of Collis, beneath which I sit, and catch the dates as they fall. I suck their sweet juices. But it would be selfish of me to enjoy these dates all by my lonesome. Plus, I'd get fat. So I put them in the Baked Goods! Ta-da!

3. FroYo is blue collar.

Who am I?

Greetings, earthlings. It is I, the Collis Genie.

Some of you may be asking, "Who is the Collis Genie?" "From whither and whence does he hail?" "Is he even a guy?" "Am I sexist?" "Does the sexually indeterminant genie dream of hermself?" "Does heshe dream of other genies?" "Is there a Homeplate Genie?" "Why are there dates in everything at Collis?" "Are dates real?" "Is God?" "Is God a benevolent God?" "Does altruism exist?" "Why does everyone who works at Collis wear a vest?" "Am I supposed to be in an x-hour right now?" "Why is Collis bacon circular?" "Does it come from a secret cylindrical pygmy piggie colony?" "If the limit never approaches anything, does the limit, ontologically speaking, EXIST?!"

Well, grab a spork and get comfortable. I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Collis, and more. Stay tuned.